Tonight begins my journey to becoming a certified yoga teacher. I guess the journey really started long ago, the first time I went to a yoga class. But this beginning is a bit more deliberate. And just as scary.
Lately things have been busy and hectic. I feel overwhelmed by my work life and my home life. You see I have a MAJOR project at work that is a disaster and has been dragging on too long. And I also have been attempting to ramp up my jewelry making to be prepared for a show that is coming and the holiday shopping session. AND then there is the regular stuff like housework and paying bills and doing laundry and doing stuff that is important to me and makes me happy, like um, I don’t know running and yoga. ;)
I started running again. This feeling happens every year around this time. Fall starts to creep in and the world begins to transform. And then when I sit at my desk and just can’t begin to motivate myself to work or at home when laundry is mounting and I want to hide underneath the piles instead of fold them, I dream of a trail in the woods with a gorgeous canopy of yellows, reds, browns and golds overhead. Aside from Spring, Fall is my favorite time of year. Which is ironic as both of those times are ones of extremes and major energy shifts and transitions. I feel that way about yoga too. It is a place that I find solace, just like in my running shoes. It reminds how amazing and wonderful my body and spirit are. It reminds me that I can do anything I set my mind and intention to.
So why am I so scared of tonight?
It is intimidating! Seriously, people! I know in my heart that this is the right path for me. There isn’t a doubt in my mind. However, I have a tendency to live like my days are numbered; which really is true but not in the literal sense. To me, life is this amazing, wonderful experience to really enjoy and get the most out of. I often remind my mother that if ever something were to happen to me not to be sad, that I’ve truly enjoyed every minute of my life and loved living it. However, this desire to LIVE, really honestly, live and experience life sometimes encourages me to burn the candle at both ends. And that makes me tired and when I’m tired I feel easily discouraged and that leads directly to doubt. And really what is doubt? Doubt is that I’m not good enough. Ultimately that’s what it comes down to. The scary what if I can’t.
The other night as I flipped through my manual and stared at my stack of yoga books, I started to worry that I wasn’t going to be able to do EVERYTHING I needed to to become a yoga teacher. I started to feel in that quiet, candlelit moment in my living room late on Tuesday night that maybe I had made the wrong choice. But then I reminded myself that I was tired and that the world looks a lot different in the sunny morning light after a night of rest. I closed my manual and blew out the candles and went to bed. But not without standing in front of the bathroom mirror for a few minutes staring into my eyes and reminding myself not to let fear influence my life. To embrace new and wonderful things and let changes happen. Because THAT’S when we really start to live. Part of living an honest wonderful life is actually LIVING. It means staring down your fears and sometimes laughing mockingly at them and other times quietly smiling to yourself whispering, ‘I CAN!’
So this weekend when I feel overwhelmed or lost or doubtful, I will go inside and find my own little child’s pose in my heart and whisper to myself, ‘I can!’